Hello everyone! I'm sure most of you are excited for the big three day weekend. Please let me know your labor day plans in the comments section! :)
Today I wanted to do a little something different on the blog and write a more personal piece. This has been something on my mind for a while and I thought I would share it with you all as some of you might be able to relate or add something to the discussion.
I've been going through a pretty big life transition in the past few months, and to be honest it hasn't been easy. I'm sure big transitions like this aren't easy for anyone, but sometimes I feel like I struggle more than most. And that actually speaks to the subject of this post - self-defeating thoughts. More often than not I spend time asking myself if I can really do this or if I can, can I do it well. Can I really succeed? Is this path in life really meant for someone like me? Even little things make me question my own abilities. Looking for my very first "real" job has brought out a lot of very mixed feelings. Half of me feels like I was never meant for a 9-5 type of job, as I have always considered myself more of a free spirit and artist type. From the time I was 4 years old and asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said artist. Of course my family thought I was cute and would eventually grow out of this idea that I could actually be a professional artist. And - of course - I never did.
Now I make jewelry and sell it through my online shop Fatally Feminine Designs, write a fashion blog, spend my free time gathering inspiration on Pinterest, and practicing my drawing skills in photoshop. But I do feel pressure to give up the idea that I can turn my business into a full time bill-paying job. I feel my own internal pressure from the doubts that I have about my own abilities. I constantly ask myself why I would be so lucky to succeed at owning my own successful business. I see other people that have done it, so I know it's possible. But, yet, I don't believe I could do it. I pretty much feel like it's impossible for me.
Then there is the pressure I feel from my family. I went to college for business primarily as a safety net in case my business didn't work out and to increase my chances of success. Once I got my undergraduate degree, I felt like I was satisfied with my amount of schooling and didn't really have any motivation to go back. But, my parents pressured me to attend grad school and get my MBA. I eventually gave in and went. Don't get me wrong, I feel very accomplished now to have the degree and very thankful that my parents would spend their own money to send me back to school. But, it was never my dream.
And now that I have graduated for the second time, I once again feel the intense pressure to fall into line and do what is expected of me and find a "real" job. After starting a job last week that I thought was my ideal "real world" job, working in the marketing department of a jewelry design company, I became depressed, anxious and irritable. I found out sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day doing nothing creative turned me into a horrible person and ruined my health - I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and had daily migraines. I decided after only a week to leave this job as it was detrimental to my health. Now I am really questioning whether I am cut out for this path in life - whether I can do it, whether I can succeed at it and really be happy.
It's very hard for me as the last thing I want to do is disappoint my parents, so I applied for another job and actually have an interview today. I am hopeful that I can find a workplace that will not turn me into that depressed person and actually make me happy. But, I am worried that if I can't I still won't be able to make enough money with my business. And then again, maybe I am scared to succeed at this "alternate" path in life and am self-sabotoging myself so that I don't have to be different.
What are your personal experiences with self-defeating thoughts?